Wednesday, September 26, 2007

A Tough Decision

So, I made a tough decision last night, and I feel guilty about it.

GUYS - You may or may not want to read this at your own risk.....

I decided to stop bre*stfeeding. It was a very tough decision for me, considering all the work I had to do to get this far. Since my son was a preemie, his jaw was not developed enough when he was born to just naturally take to it. We worked VERY HARD with a lactation consultant for the first month of his life to get him to where he is today, and I think we did very well considering in the hospital I was feeding him from a tube attached to my n[pple at one point.

Anywho, I really wanted to quit quite a few times, but I stuck to it because I felt I was doing what was best for my son. Mother's milk is natural and all that..... However, since I started back at work (pumping again which I really DETEST) I have been having a hard time getting sufficient milk and have been supplementing with formula pretty much since day one back at work. I have called the lactation consultant again and tried herbal remedies and all kinds of things to no avail - yesterday I barely made enough to send him with ONE BOTTLE of bm today.

I feel guilty 'cause in a way I feel I didn't try hard enough. Yet I resent all the extra washing, and schedules, and work it causes me everyday. I want to be able to feel proud about nursing as long as I did, but the guilt overshadows it. He doesn't seem to mind it, but I still feel guilty. So, I'm trying really hard to lose the guilt because I know I did well in my heart, but my head is telling me otherwise. I'm not sure how to let go of it at this point, but I guess I'll get there eventually. Does every mother go through this? I'm sure they do, but hearing a few others experiences may help. Anyone have any they wish to share? If you don't want to do so publicly, please e-mail me.

***UPDATED*** I do want you all to know that my husband has been wonderful and very supportive through all of this, sometimes you just need to hear it from a "stranger" whose been through it you know?