Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Hi My Name is Carmen, And I'm Fat

And I have low self-esteem.
And I've decided to now bore you with my weight loss struggles and stories as well.

No, seriously. After reading over at Drunken Wisdom and Mountaineer Musings about their weight loss efforts I've decided that maybe it will help to "put it all out there" as they say.

So, here goes.

I know I pester Aunt Tammi all the time about saying she's fat - really and truly people she is not - but that's besides the point. I, in fact, am fat. There, I said it. I still have the mentality of the 120lb hottie I was in high school, but I have the 180lb (YES I SAID 180LBS) post-pregnancy body to go with it. Now here's my dilemma. I AM ADDICTED TO SWEETS. Plus I can't stand for anyone to watch me exercise. Not to mention that I have almost NO time to do so. Between a full time job, part time school, and trying to spend time with my son - about the only time I have left is in the evenings after he goes to bed and damn it, that's my unwind time.

So - I recently got a bicycle, and my husband finally finished fixing it and putting a new seat on it last night. I took it out for a test drive (about a quarter mile) and about died. I am seriously out of shape. I am going to try and ride in the evenings - hey - maybe it will help me unwind! I have been trying to eat healthier - at least making sure I get my fiber, though I am still working on cutting out soda and cutting down on sweets. I drink lots of water so that's not really an issue. Oh yea, and I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want a Wii and the Fit.

And here we go again - I have done this about a thousand times and just can't seem to stick with it (just like quitting smoking which I've managed to do yet again - and add an additional 10lbs in the process). Yea, it all sounds good on paper and I've actually managed to lose 10-15lbs at a time. But then I get tired of working so hard all the damn time and slowly it all comes back, along with an additional 10lbs for good measure. Like it's god's punishment for giving up. I get to the point where I just don't want to do it anymore, yet at the same time I HATE myself for being a fat slob.

It's a sad, tiring, self depreciating process. And I'm going to jump on the band wagon yet again. let's see how long it lasts this time. I guess I better get a scale at home.