Funny Quotes

Happiness is like peeing your pants: Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Be kind to everybody. You never know who might show up on the jury at your trial.

Why do we judge ourselves by our best intentions and others by their worst faults?

If there’s anything small, shallow, arrogant, or ugly about a person – giving him authority will bring it out.

It is what you do when you have nothing to do that reveals what you are.

A conceited person never gets anywhere because he thinks he is already there.